I’m having a hard time right now because I want to wrap myself into a pile of blankets and grimey yet comforting music and books and lull myself away into oblivion and avoid everyone but my sister and it’s so hard because life goes on and I must learn to keep momentum and I know that this is a run on sentence but that’s only because that’s how I feel like I’m living my life right now; in a series of run on sentences.
With really long breaks inbetween. And then I lose the momentum.
The scary thing is that no one thing in particular has happened to make me feel like this. It was my 20th birthday on Monday and it was so wonderous, and right now the thought of class tomorrow is making me ill and I don’t want to be around people at all.
Goodness I feel so far from my person and I want to know who they are and what small things make them smile and please hurry up because I want to share so much with you. I know I’m young but honestly.. I know that you’re out there somewhere and I’ve so excited to meet you.
I want to crawl somewhere and not be touched or disturbed or anything.
I want to work in a bookstore and sell my own artwork there as well. Live in a cozy appartment down the street.
Maybe be an art therapist, live down the street from a bookstore that I become a regular at and sell art to people in the bookstore. Go there on my days off. Have a cozy appartment. Enough room for friends. Loads of bookcases and space to make my art.
My mind is a cluttered mess of the future and it won’t stop and I’m literally spinning back and forth between fear and excitement. I’m not sure what’s happening anymore.
Found this on the interwebs. It’s not mine, just thought I’d share the heck out of it.
It’s beyond fuckin’ rad.
All my love,
“Don’t go into darkness, darkness will always come. Always go towards the light.” Very wise words of my voice teacher today in class. I’m currently on lunch break and felt it necessary to sit against my locker; eat my rice and salad, drink my water, do my voice log and post a post to sort things out.
I’m not sure where to start.
Let’s start at the end.
I’m tumbling through life at the moment. I’m tumbling through others words and getting lost in my own. That’s a very fine and poetic way to explain it but it gives others no idea what is actually happening. I’m sliding in a tunnel of mischief and mayhem when it comes to him.. I’m learning that backing off of him isn’t doing myself any good because there is no reaction from him that I’m aware of because of an awful lack of contact. Hmmm. I’ve thought about forgetting but then I find myself lost in the realm of thinking so often of how to forget and what I need to be doing to forget and it’s this really gosh awful circle of confusion and mix ups and confusions and not knowing which way is up and which way is down.
But then again, I’m getting really good at thinking about forgetting.
It’s an awfully glum day today. There’s rain mixing with snow and clouds drifting over the sun and no apologies what so ever. And as I sit up against my locker listening to Emily and the Woods I have hope. I have hopes of speaking on voice (don’t worry about it), I have hopes of finding the person eventually that I’m meant to be with eternally and I have hopes about my existence – it’s affects on others and internal affects of other existences.
In in my mind I make the world much bigger than it is. I take things head on collisions which isn’t always negative but it can be overwhelming.
Calm down, Joy, you’ll make it through this, you can make it through anything.
Thank you. I needed that.
Life is beautiful and bright and vibrant and grand, just open your eyes up a little further. It isn’t all bad.
All yours and all mine,
Life is busy and complicated with school and antics but I’m doing my best to write. And all writers know how good writing feels. It lifts my soul of burdens and allows my heart to spit out what I’ve been gnawing on lately. Thanks for every drop of support you give, it means an ocean to me.